I felt to share and be seen today. I'm feeling the rarest blend of titanium light strength, and glass strand fragility this past week.
It's baby loss awareness week, which I've known about for some time, and am collaborating with others on supportive offerings for folks living through their experience on this broad spectrum of sometimes horrific, sometimes peaceful, but always utterly heartshattering loss.
And now the week has arrived, along with the 9th week in my first pregnancy since losing my son. And that's quite a lot all at once!
9 weeks is when a fetus' joints are really developing. My little boy's joints did not develop correctly, leading to malformations of all 4 limbs. This week makes me feel powerless in a way that logic simply cannot deny... I AM powerless, in the face of infinite possibilities. And I am doing everything IN my power for my baby and my being to thrive.
9 weeks is also the gestation at which I ended the first pregnancy I ever experienced, some years prior. The circumstances that led to that decision, and my modus operandi at the time, with the level of awareness I then had, have become much more apparent to me in recent months. Finding compassion and forgiveness for old, deepening layers of self betrayal is taking a lot of what little energy I can currently command.
As the forces at play subdue me, I move with ease from need to need, the primal pregnancy instinct as finely tuned as ever. And I wonder, am I ready to hold space for others in the throes? Others deep in grief? Those so recently bereft?
And I remember those moments, where someone spoke to me like a normal woman, going through an extraordinary thing...with the assumption that I would survive it, because they had...how relaxed they were and how it permeated into my being. A certainty, a knowing — you can, you will, survive.
I remember those, and how it drives me to return what I have been gifted, to light my beacon, and keep the chain alive. Another need I can meet myself in.
If you have been affected in any way, at any time, by baby loss then know that there are a lot of resources and supportive organisations you can reach out to. Google baby loss awareness week as a starting point if you'd like to discover more about what's out there, or feel free to send me a message if that feels safer.
If you have not been affected but wish to nurture your understanding of something that affects 1 in 4 pregnancies, then I thank you, and invite you to begin your journey of allyship in a similar way.
Sending so much love and gratitude out into this magical community, thank you for witnessing me, those who read this ❤️
— these are some photos that were sent to me by loved ones around the world, in memory of our little boy, Forest