All of my life, I have hated God. I have hated myself. I have existed superficially on a bed of half-truths. I have not loved my loved ones well; I have not respected them enough to be myself around them, to tell them the truth.
I am awake now. I feel invested in my life for the first time. I am invested enough not to tolerate my bullshit or poor relationships anymore. Fuck, I care enough about my family to want to make it better or leave. It is intolerable to compromise my love by giving it to my family, my partner, myself, or God from duplicity. I want to be me, and I am not interested in lying to myself anymore. The truth is I do not know what I believe because I have never lived by my beliefs nor my feelings, but some strange place in between that has divided my soul and body.
I want to be honest. I want my life to be real. I am tired of stopping myself mid sentence, mid thought. I have been living my life for an audience, I want to live my life for myself. I want my life to be my own, even if I have to tear down what I thought were core pillars of my identity:
Who am I?
Who is God?
Who is God to me- what do I want that relationship to look like?
How do I feel despite how I think?
What do I want from my relationships?
What am I willing to release to be myself, to feel myself in every aspect of
What boundaries have I drawn as excuses to withhold myself from others?
Am I a liar, am I broken, am I human, am I divine?
Where do I end, and God begins?
I want to thank my partner who was the catalyst for this realization in my life. He loved me through my facade. His love was so real I could not accept it while living dishonestly, and it holds me now in every moment.
Before I can dismantle the mirage and step into reality, I have to forgive myself.
I want to forgive myself for my naiveté.
For protecting myself.
For not being able to sit with myself without my skin crawling.
For letting a man into my body just to prove to myself I was worthy of desire.
For looking at God and turning away.
For rejecting blessings out of fear.
For unwittingly lying.
For flinching when I feel love.
For feeling like a disappointment.
For not accepting my feelings.
For not being comfortable with my existence, so I tried to make my own.